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Letter to


This time Jerry has decided to answer a few of the letters he has received lately. In the interest of valuable space (and decency) I have not reproduced the letters here - only the replies......The Editor

Dear I.B. Worried,

I read, with dismay I might add, your letter in a recent issue of the newsletter. I'm afraid that I must take full responsibility for the quandary you now find yourself in. When I said "throw in some wiring" whilst converting your Berthon Ader to automatic I was, I suppose, being a tad flippant. In retrospect I suppose I could have been a little more specific. Silly old Jerry! The method I prefer when I "throw in some wiring" is more of an underarm rugby pass really. I must admit that my eyesight is not what it used to be. These days I find that if I stand any distance greater than three feet (approximately one metre - Ed) from the phone I'm working on, I miss the box all together. Take aim, keep your eye on the phone, relax your arm and just follow through. I hope this clears things up for you.


Dear Desperate,



Dear (Name and address withheld - Ed.)

I think you must have me confused with someone else. I was, however, surprised to hear you could get a German Shepherd to do that. Also, can you substitute cooking oil in place of the lard?


Dear Perplexed,

Not at all. One of the most common questions I am asked is for an explanation of a technical term appearing in a newsletter article. So, as a service to telephone collectors everywhere, I have compiled a list of the most commonly misunderstood terms.

Transmitter......a small microphone of carbon granule construction.
Receiver......called in when you declare bankruptcy. (see Alan Bond, Christopher Scase, The HIB Insurance crowd, Onetel, etc.)
Alan Bond......a super slow drying contact adhesive. Eventually, though, everything sticks.
Call Waiting......a call is waiting.
Call Diversion......when the operator suddenly shouts "behind you, behind you".
C.B. (Common Battery)......Mark "Jacko" Jackson of the Everyready advertisements is a good example of common battery. Oi!
Terminating erotic dance performed by an aged persioner.
Volt......a unit of electromotive force.
Current......a dried sultana.
Watt......a lot like 'who', 'where' and 'when'.
Ohms......"On Her Magesty's Service" usually found on official looking envelopes.
Amp......abbreviation of the word "guitar amplifier". (see Chuck Berry).
Chuck in the expression "don't Chuck the Berry out with the bath water". (he's really lost it this time - Ed)
Phone Card......a small plastic card used to pay for telephone calls.
Visa Card......a small plastic card used to pay for everything else.
Pay Phone......what you actually paid for a new piece of telephone equipment.
Bargain......what you tell your wife you paid for a new piece of telephone equipment.
Investment......a newly purchased piece of telephone equipment you have no intention of ever selling.

Till next time.


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